Release

I have been clenching my jaw
For thirty years,
And it’s beginning to ache
In a place
Not even a surgeon could
Touch.

To the
Untrained eye

It might look
Like a smile
The way the muscles tense up

Holding the poise of
The poison ever
So slightly
In between
The bite of my
Teeth.

I hold still so as not to
Grind
It
To death.

I’m worried if I let it go slack
It will open my
Jaw
And every pain
From every path
Of every one
In the
entire world

Will enter through my mouth,
Straight down my throat,
And make a nest in the hallows
Of
My heart.

It’s easier
To carry
A tension headache

Than to let the world
Swallow
You up in a single
gulp.

It’s the
Water
I fear.

I want
To be
The droplet of change
That ripples
And crests on the shores of
Concrete levees and
Hubris-filled dams

But right now
I am the whole sea.

And the world
Is
On fire
And I am
Worried
I might evaporate

Before our concrete blocks
Soften
Back
Into indigenous shores.

And it starts
In my
Jaw.

I open
And close it
Three times
Each morning
Only to clench it when the
Heat
Gives way
To the wetness
Swelling on my cheeks.

My face
Has never
Known
Softness
Of grief.

My face
Has never
Known
Me
To catch
It.

Though it’s painful,
I move slow.

The numbers on my watch

Literally
Sloughed off
15 hours ago
And I think
The universe is giving me a gift—
Timelessness.

The well-worn, purple rubber band
it’s saying
“don’t look at this
Anymore.
You’ll have plenty.”

But how can I trust

A broken MomentumTM
When my hometown
Is burning down
And the only thing I want to do
Is dance or ride
In circles
In the park.

The only thing
I want to do
Is dissolve
Two Calcified hearts.

I don’t know how
To
Soften anymore
Than the moss
That grows on
Cinderblocks.

I might
Never
See the sand.

I twist the timer
On my wrist
Letting me know how much
Oxygen is left in the tank and
See again
The numbers missing
And remember
Again
Maybe
I don’t get to.

I have been clenching my jaw
For thirty years,
And It holds the tension
Of every person before me.
Every
Woman
In my family who needed the body
Of a saguaro to protect themselves
Despite
Their tender
Blackberry centers.

And
Although you might never
See
The yawn, or the cry, or the
genuine-aching-free-smile
I can feel the fibers loosen,
For whatever comes next.
And that the moss melds with mushrooms
And
Lichen
Is chipping
Away at my heart.

And
If I evaporate
From
All this heat
I’ll accumulate again
One day
And drop myself down
From the sky.

I will loosen my jaw
someday.

Cause the ache
is in a pIace,
Only

I   Can touch.